I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through..

It was all so different before everything changed. 

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.   

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Of all the things I lost, I think I miss my memory the most.

If I had a penny for every wild night I've had,  I'd be in debt.